You can't special order awesome
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
