also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
