I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
