I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
you will always have a special place in my vag
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Randomize
