does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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