you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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