I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
