I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
We left the knife in your bed.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
