wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
