hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.