rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
