i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
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He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
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It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME