Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
