Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I'm like, not good at living.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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