failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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