last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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