Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
