Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
