god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
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I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
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I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
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