Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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