My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
