i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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