This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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