OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.