DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
worst night to have a conscience
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Randomize
