I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Randomize
