note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
