I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that