haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad