I'm so fucking centered right now
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
she woke up with a sticky ear
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose