Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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