I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize
