She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
