i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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