I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
We were destined to go to rehab together
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Randomize
