I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
