Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
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