my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Randomize
