Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
