I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
