i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Randomize
