So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
