a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
you will always have a special place in my vag
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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