Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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