Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
