You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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