A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
