I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
