woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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