Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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