I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
