my sisters under your porch take her home
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
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not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
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How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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