So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
