I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
