i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
