If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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