Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
