2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
People with herpes should wear stickers.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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