I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
