i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Randomize
