i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
