That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
