So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
